Sometimes I don't really feel like a Christian. No, not in that "I'm not morally or behaviorally correct enough to be considered a Christian" kind of way. I always feel that way. I'm incredibly self-analytical and always judging myself as harshly as possible. Someone once questioned if I'm a good enough person, or Christian, to be writing a blog about Christian theology. Of course I'm not! I am well aware of my sins and faults which I will always struggle with. In my own mind, I am the chief of sinners (1 Timothy 11:15). But if we waited until a pastor or preacher was 100% perfect and sinless before we let them get behind the pulpit, a sermon would never be preached on this earth again.
No, that's not what I mean when I say I sometimes don't feel like a Christian. What I mean is I don't always feel like I'm the stereotypical Christian I'm supposed to be when I claim to be a Christian. Spirituality has never been my strong suit. Devoted prayer and worship has never come easy to me. This can make one feel rather out of place when they grow up in a Pentecostal tradition. Now, I'm not critiquing expressive worship. Indeed, I rather enjoy attending enthusiastic worship meetings. I'm just usually the reserved guy standing at the side, hands in his pockets, taking it all in.
What usually gets me excited about God, though, are the details, intricacies, and problematic quandaries of Christianity. There is a certain feeling of joy when I ponder the absurdities of the faith. In general I am admittedly a nerd. I know more about the Star Wars universe that takes place beyond the movies than most people probably do about the stories contained within the 6 main films. It only makes sense that I would apply this same obsessive fascination with obscure minutia to my faith. If I feel like I don't fulfill the role of a Christian particularly well, maybe I better embody the notion of a Christ-nerd.
